Family Wellness Skills: DBT Tools You Can Actually Use at Home
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “All these therapy skills sound great, but how do I actually use them with my family?”, you’re not alone. Many caregivers hear terms like “DBT” or “mindfulness skills” thrown around by professionals and wonder how to translate those into the chaos of homework time, sibling fights, or teen angst at home. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based approach that offers practical techniques for managing big emotions, and the good news is you don’t have to be in therapy to use DBT tools – they can be taught and practiced right in your living room. In my work with families, I focus on boiling these skills down to simple, trauma-informed strategies that kids and parents can do together. The key is a tone that’s warm, non-judgmental, and even fun – because skills are most effective when everyone feels safe and even a bit playful practicing them.
Before diving into the specific tools, a quick note on co-regulation and modeling: Children (and especially teens) are keen observers of how we handle emotions. One of the most powerful ways to teach kids healthy coping is to model it yourself . That means using these skills in your own moments of frustration or stress and even narrating it out loud. For example, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, I think I’ll use a STOP skill: I’m going to pause and take a breath before I react.” This normalizes coping strategies as something everyone does, not a “punishment” or something that singles out the child. It also provides co-regulation: when you stay calm and present, it helps your child calm down too. DBT skills are not just for kids – they’re family skills. Practice them together, encourage each other, and remember to keep the tone encouraging (no shaming if someone forgets to use a skill in the heat of the moment).
Let’s explore three core DBT tools – STOP, TIPP, and DEAR MAN – and how you can use them at home in a trauma-informed way:
STOP – The Power of Pausing
What it is: The STOP skill is a quick mindfulness tool to prevent impulsive reactions when emotions run high. STOP is an acronym for Stop, Take a step back, Observe, and Proceed mindfully . In plain language, it means: freeze for a moment, take a breath, notice what’s happening, and choose what to do next rather than reacting automatically.
Using it at home: Imagine your 7-year-old is on the verge of a meltdown because screen time is over, or your teen is raising their voice about curfew. As a parent, the first impulse might be to yell back or lay down the law. Instead, model the STOP skill: you might literally hold up your hand and say, “Okay, I’m going to STOP for a second.” (You can even teach younger kids a “stop” hand signal as a cue for everyone to pause.) Then Take a step back – this could be a deep breath or even stepping into the next room for a moment. Encourage your child to do it with you: “Let’s both take a step back and a deep breath.” Next, Observe – describe what you notice: “I see that we’re both getting really upset right now.” You might also help the child notice their own body (“Your fists are clenched; that tells me you’re super mad”). Finally, Proceed mindfully – this means choosing your next words or action with intention. For a child, this could be asking them, “What do you need right now? Should we get a drink of water and calm down first?” For you, it might mean speaking in a calmer tone or deciding to table the conversation until later.
The beauty of STOP is its simplicity. Kids can learn it as “freeze and breathe.” For instance, one family I worked with made a game of it – whenever someone yelled, another family member would gently say “STOP” and everyone struck a funny frozen pose for 5 seconds, then took a big breath together. It may sound silly, but it transformed their meltdowns into opportunities to reset. By pausing even for a moment, you prevent knee-jerk reactions and model that it’s possible to take control of our actions even when feelings are big. Over time, children internalize this: they might catch themselves and pause before throwing that toy or saying something rude. In DBT, mastery of STOP is considered a cornerstone of distress tolerance for kids – at home, it’s the difference between a fight escalating or de-escalating.
TIPP – Fast Calm-Down Tricks for Big Emotions
What it is: TIPP stands for Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation – these are quick biological ways to tame extreme emotional arousal . Basically, TIPP skills are “body hacks” that can rapidly lower the intensity of anger, panic, or upset by calming the nervous system . They are especially useful when a child is in fight-or-flight mode (for example, hysterically crying, screaming, or hyperventilating).
Using it at home: Think of TIPP as a menu of instant calm-down activities – you won’t use all of them every time, but you can offer one that fits the situation.
Temperature: A sudden change in temperature can trigger the dive reflex and slow the heart rate. At home, this might mean splashing cold water on your face, holding an ice cube, or drinking a cold glass of water. For a kid in mid-tantrum, you might gently offer: “Here, take a sip of this cold water,” or make it fun: “Want to try holding this ice cube and see if you can melt it just by breathing on it?” Cold showers or placing a cool washcloth on the forehead are other options for older kids. I’ve had teens report that sticking their face in the freezer for a few seconds helps “shock” them out of an emotional overload – and indeed, cooling the body can quickly calm the mind .
Intense Exercise: Emotions like anger or anxiety come with a surge of adrenaline. A quick burst of physical activity helps burn it off. With younger kids, this could mean suddenly saying “Dance break! Let’s do 20 jumping jacks or race to the mailbox and back.” You are effectively helping them shake out the yucky feelings. Older kids might run up and down the stairs, do push-ups, or any short exercise. Even a 5-minute family “shake it out” session can release tension. We frame it as “using our muscles to help our brain settle.” After a bout of movement, children often feel a bit more grounded and clear-headed.
Paced Breathing: Slowing down the breath is one of the fastest ways to signal the brain to relax. A simple ratio to teach is “smell the flower, blow out the candle” – inhale through the nose for 3-4 seconds, exhale through the mouth for 3-4 seconds, repeat. You can do this with a child by actually holding up a finger as the “flower” and “candle.” For teens, you might teach box breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4) . The key is making it concrete and practice it when calm, so in the upset moment you can say “Let’s do our breathing together now.” Keep it light (“I wonder if we can breathe slower than the big bad wolf blows houses down!”) and praise them for doing it. Paced breathing directly lowers anxiety by calming the limbic system .
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): This involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, which helps release tension. With little ones, you can simplify this: “Let’s pretend to be stiff robots… now let’s be floppy noodles.” Have them scrunch up their shoulders to their ears tight, hold 5 seconds, then drop. Or make a fist and squeeze, then shake it out. Older kids can do a quick body scan: clench face muscles, then release; arms, then release; etc. This pairs well with breathing. By the end, their body has discharged some of the physical stress.
All these TIPP techniques work because they quickly engage the body’s calming response. They can be framed playfully (“Who can do the silliest jumping jack?”) or as a cool science experiment (“Feel how your heart is racing – let’s see if this can slow it down”). As one resource notes, TIPP skills “quickly calm the limbic system and lower the state of emotional arousal” . Importantly, you can do them alongside your child – “Let’s both hold ice cubes and see whose melts faster” – so the child doesn’t feel singled out. This also ensures you stay regulated too (remember, co-regulation!). Over time, your child will learn which TIPP strategy is their go-to – maybe your daughter finds that doing 10 burpees is the best reset for frustration, while your son likes the cold water trick. Encourage them to use these tools proactively (for instance, before a stressful test or after a rough day at school) as well as in the heat of emotion.
DEAR MAN – Teaching Respectful Communication
What it is: DEAR MAN is an interpersonal effectiveness skill from DBT that helps people assert their needs or set boundaries in a respectful, clear way . The acronym stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (stay) Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate . In simpler terms, it’s a formula for having a tough conversation or making a request without it turning into a shouting match or hurting the relationship.
Using it at home: This skill is especially useful with older children and teens (and between co-parents too!). For example, if your teen is upset about their curfew, you can coach them to use DEAR MAN to talk about it, and you as the parent can model using it in return. Here’s how you might break it down in a family scenario:
Describe: Start by stating the facts of the situation without exaggeration or judgment. “I’ve noticed that on the past three weekends, you came home about 30 minutes past your curfew.” Or from the teen’s side: “My curfew is 9 PM on weekends, and last night we left the movie at 8:50 which made me late.” Describing is about setting the stage calmly and factually.
Express: Share your feelings or thoughts about it. “I feel worried when you’re out late because I’m not sure if you’re safe.” The teen might say, “I feel frustrated and left out when I have to leave events earlier than my friends.” It’s important each side uses “I” statements here (I feel, I think), which avoids blame.
Assert: State clearly what you need or are asking for. “I need you to be home by the agreed time, or to call me if there’s an emergency delay.” The teen could assert, “I’d like to request a later curfew of 9:30 PM on movie nights.” This is the core ask or boundary, delivered respectfully and directly.
Reinforce: Explain why the other person may want to comply – basically, what’s in it for them or for the greater good. As a parent, you might say, “If you show me I can trust you to stick to our rules, I’d feel more comfortable giving you more privileges in the future.” The teen might add, “If I can have a bit more time, I won’t have to break curfew. I’ll be happier and more likely to keep you updated on where I am.” This step is about collaboration – showing you want a win-win solution.
Mindful: Throughout the conversation, stay mindful of the goal and resist getting sidetracked or provoked. Maybe the teen starts to raise their voice – as the parent, you remain calm and keep bringing the discussion back: “I hear you’re upset, and I want to solve this. Let’s focus on finding a solution.” Mindfulness also means not veering into past grievances or threats. It can help to take a breath (using STOP) if the discussion gets heated, and remind each other, “We’re on the same team.” In trauma-informed practice, this step is about maintaining a tone of respect and not flipping into criticism or defense.
Appear confident: This doesn’t mean you have to feel totally confident; it means using a steady voice and body language that shows you mean what you say. As a parent, even if you feel guilty or anxious setting a boundary, you’d aim to look calm and serious, which helps your child take you seriously. For a teen, this might be coaching them not to whine or shout, but to speak calmly to strengthen their case. Confidence (or at least the appearance of it) helps prevent the other person from dismissing your needs.
Negotiate: Be willing to give to get. Maybe you propose, “How about we try a 9:30 PM curfew for the next month and see how it goes. If you’re on time and communicative, we keep it; if not, we go back to 9 PM.” In turn, the teen might agree to text you at 8:45 PM with their status as part of the deal. Negotiation might also mean finding an alternative solution neither of you thought of initially. The idea is to show flexibility and that you value the relationship more than “winning.”
In using DEAR MAN at home, role-playing can be really helpful. You can practice with low-stakes situations first. For instance, have your child use DEAR MAN to ask for an increase in allowance, or for you to consider a change in household routine – something where you can model being receptive. This builds their confidence in advocating for themselves. It’s also a great tool for siblings to solve conflicts (“use your DEAR MAN to tell your brother why you want a turn with the game”). By explicitly teaching these steps, you’re giving kids a roadmap for assertive communication that respects both their needs and others’. This is incredibly empowering – it shows them they can speak up without yelling or sulking, and that they can work with others to get needs met. In fact, DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness module emphasizes skills like DEAR MAN to balance what you want with healthy relationships .
One more thing: Praise your kids when they use these skills. If your daughter calmly says, “Mom, I feel upset that you read my texts; I need more privacy,” instead of snapping at you – recognize how skillful that is! Even if you need to hold a boundary (“I check your texts for safety, but let’s talk about a privacy compromise”), start by acknowledging, “I appreciate how respectfully you told me your feelings.” This positive reinforcement (the “R” in DEAR MAN when you use it) shows them that assertiveness works. It also makes it more likely they’ll come to you with issues rather than hiding them.
Making It Work: Grace and Consistency
Introducing new coping skills at home can be a challenge – kids might roll their eyes or forget to use them in the heat of the moment. That’s okay. Keep a spirit of encouragement and never shame a child for not using a skill perfectly (for instance, avoid “I told you to use your STOP skill and you didn’t – you see what happened?!”). Instead, after things calm, gently revisit: “Hey, that argument got really tense. How about next time we try to remember STOP so it doesn’t get so out of hand? Maybe we can put a big STOP sign on the fridge as a reminder.” Make it a team effort – you’re all learning.
Also, tailor the skills to your family’s culture and style. If one strategy doesn’t click, that’s fine – focus on what does. Some families even come up with their own lingo or silly names for skills (one child renamed TIPP as “chill drill”). What matters is the result: are these tools helping everyone pause, communicate, and cope better? Over time, with practice, they will.
Most importantly, lead with empathy and flexibility. DBT is all about balancing acceptance and change – so accept that your child is doing the best they can in the moment, and show them there are new ways they can try. And accept that you are also doing your best; you won’t always remember to model every skill flawlessly. When you slip up (maybe you yelled before using STOP), apologize and show self-compassion. Say, “I’m sorry I yelled – I was really frustrated. Next time I’ll try to STOP. Let’s both keep practicing.” This models taking responsibility and trying again, which is a lesson in itself.
By weaving these DBT tools into daily life, you are equipping your family with a shared toolbox for emotional wellness. You’re saying, “We handle things with communication and coping, not with shame or silence.” Families who practice this often find that over time, conflicts become less explosive and more quickly resolved. There’s a common language: a kid might remind you to “take a step back” one day! And when that happens, smile – it means the skills are truly sinking in. Through warm, patient guidance, you’re raising emotionally intelligent kids who know how to handle big feelings and tough situations with resilience and respect. That is a lifelong gift.