Coping with the Unimaginable: When a Child Is Murdered
Losing a child to violence is a shock unlike any other. The pain is overwhelming and feels unnatural, tearing at every part of a parent’s life. Grief in this situation is traumatic; as one counselor describes it, it can feel like “a sense-losing event , a free fall into despair” . Parents often describe feeling stuck in their grief or even unable to want to “move on” out of fear of abandoning their child . Such grief is “extreme, prolonged, and unique” . Survivors commonly feel isolated, stigmatized, or blamed, and even saying “my child was murdered” can abruptly end conversations . All these reactions are real and valid – there are no “right” or “orderly” ways to grieve such a loss .
Understanding the Trauma of Violent Loss
The murder of a child combines loss with acute trauma. Parents may relive horrifying images (for example, flashbacks of their child’s injuries) , experience nightmares or anxiety, and remain on high alert for danger (symptoms like those in PTSD) . They may feel guilt (“I should have protected them”) or anger at the perpetrator. Physical and emotional symptoms are common – muscle tension, headaches, exhaustion, or even somatic pain mirroring the child’s injuries . It is also normal for basic functions (sleep, appetite, concentration) to be disrupted. Support groups for murder survivors note problems like “isolation and helplessness,” deep guilt, intrusive memories of the violent scene, and “endless grief” that makes daily tasks nearly impossible . These are signs of traumatic grief, where fear and grief coexist . Therapists explain, “PTSD is about fear and grief is about loss. Traumatic grief will have both, and it includes a sense of powerlessness” .
At the same time, powerful attachment bonds mean that the brain struggles to accept the reality of the child’s death. Neuroscientists describe a conflict between what we know and what we feel: our mind knows the child is gone forever, but our deep attachment “semantic” belief is that loved ones last always. This clash forces the brain to learn a new reality, a process that can take a very long time . In fact, grief itself may be a form of learning in the brain – slowly reconciling the loss with daily life . It’s not a sign of failure if this takes months or years. John Bowlby’s attachment theory reminds us: we only grieve because of our love. As Bowlby put it, “without attachment there is no grief response” . Losing a child shatters core beliefs (our “internal working models”) about safety and the future . But it is also natural and even healthy to maintain an inner bond with the child. Continuing to cherish memories, carry your child in your heart, or see their influence in your life are all part of how people learn to live with their loss .
Coping Strategies: Taking Care of Yourself
There is no quick fix, but certain strategies can help parents cope with the crushing pain and slow trauma. First and foremost, validate your feelings. There is no set timeline or formula for grief. Therapists stress that in the early weeks and months the goal is simply to listen to your heart and acknowledge the loss . Well-meaning advice about “getting over it” can feel hurtful or dismissive. Instead, focus on small, manageable steps:
Basic self-care: Make sure you eat even small meals, rest as much as you can, and try gentle activity (like short walks). Grief is exhausting, so small routines (morning coffee, a daily shower, a short nap) can help your body cope. Avoid alcohol or drugs to numb feelings – they add extra complications.
Express your grief: Crying, shouting, praying, or expressing anger is all normal. Some parents find writing letters to their child or to themselves helpful (for example, writing “unspoken words” you wish you could share) . Journaling, drawing, making a memory book, or creating a playlist of songs that reflect your emotions can help trick the brain’s limbic system into processing what is hard to say in words . Such creative outlets are valid ways to channel pain.
Seek support: You do not have to grieve alone. Share what you can with trusted friends, family or clergy, but also understand that some people may feel helpless or uncomfortable. Support groups can connect you with others who truly understand. Organizations like the National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children (POMC) and The Compassionate Friends offer peer support specifically for parents coping with a child’s death . Even an online forum or a counselor can be a place to feel heard.
Professional help: Consider seeing a therapist experienced in trauma and grief. Treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help your brain organize the trauma memory and foster eventual healing . A counselor can guide you to face the traumatic images safely, work through guilt, and learn coping skills (such as grounding exercises for panic or relaxation techniques for hyperarousal). Therapy is not “weakness” – it provides a safe space to sort through feelings and get support.
Keep safety in mind: It’s common after a murder to feel frightened for yourself or other family members (the Trauma Survivors Network notes hypervigilance, helplessness or even hearing “the voice of the person who died” as symptoms of traumatic grief ). If you feel unsafe or overwhelmed by panic, reach out immediately to emergency services or a crisis line.
The Role of Forgiveness (If and When You’re Ready)
Forgiveness can be a complex choice. It does not mean forgetting or excusing the crime – and it should never be rushed or demanded of anyone. For some parents, however, forgiveness (as a personal, spiritual process) can help ease endless anger or bitterness. Psychologist Everett Worthington developed a model called REACH to guide this process, and he himself needed it after his own mother was murdered. He describes using steps like empathizing with the offender’s humanity, making an intentional decision to forgive, and holding onto that forgiveness even on hard days . This helped him “release” the burden of hate and find a sense of peace .
If you choose to explore forgiveness, remember it’s about your own healing, not the perpetrator’s absolution. Some parents find that letting go of hatred (in tiny bits, over time) relieves chronic stress and allows a little life back into their heart. But forgiveness is optional and deeply personal. Whether or not you follow this path, the goal is the same: eventually freeing yourself from the constant trauma loop so you can find moments of calm and strength.
Finding Meaning and Holding Onto Hope
It may seem impossible now, but many grieving parents eventually discover that some meaning can emerge from unimaginable loss. Research on survivors of murdered children has found that some parents ultimately experience post-traumatic growth: they channel their pain into positive action or personal transformation. For example, one study described parents who “rose up phoenix-like from the ashes” by dedicating themselves to causes, creative expression, or simply living in a way that honors their child . They found purpose in advocacy, art, spirituality, or community support. In her story, one mother promised to “live in a way that would honor my daughter’s memory” .
Meaning-making does not erase the grief or the baby-shaped hole in your heart. But gradually, many parents find that their child’s life inspires them to help others, cherish small joys, or see their own inner strengths. Keep faith in the possibility of such growth, even if it’s invisible now. Small signs – like a kind word from a friend or a sunrise – can be threads of meaning and hope. Over time, the memory of your child will live on in your heart and in all that you do.
Support and Resources
You are not alone. Many resources exist to help homicide survivors, including specialized groups, literature, and crisis lines. For example:
Support organizations: The National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children (POMC) has local chapters across the U.S. and connects families for mutual support . The Compassionate Friends offers support after any child’s death, including suicide or violence . You might also seek out a trauma support group or a spiritual community.
Hotlines: In a crisis or if you feel unsafe, call 911. For emotional crisis support, dial 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) – trained counselors are available 24/7 for any anguish or suicidal thoughts . The VictimConnect Resource Center (1-855-4VICTIM) also provides confidential help to victims of crime, day or night . These services can help you navigate emotions and connect to local resources.
Books and reading: Many grief books validate your feelings. Examples include It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine , Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child , and On Grief and Grieving by Kubler-Ross & Kessler . Memoirs like I Have No Intention of Saying Goodbye share other parents’ journeys . While books can never replace professional or peer support, they may offer comfort in knowing others have walked similar paths.
Professional help: If grief or trauma symptoms become unbearable, please consider seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. Medications (like short-term sleep aids or anxiety meds) can sometimes help reset your body’s stress system until you can cope more comfortably. A therapist might guide you in techniques (for example, EMDR therapy or trauma-focused cognitive therapy) proven to ease PTSD and grief.
Practical aid: Do not hesitate to ask for help with daily tasks – meals, childcare, finances – from friends, family, or even community groups. Grief can sap energy, and it’s okay to lean on others while you recuperate.
Throughout this journey, keep in mind that healing from such profound trauma is a process. Some days will feel slightly better, others worse – that is normal. Be gentle with yourself and honor each feeling as it comes. Pain will likely soften slowly, and small moments of joy or love for life can return even after the darkest days. By building on compassion (for yourself and others), practical self-care, and the support of those who understand your loss, you can gradually rebuild a life that still holds hope and purpose.
You have survived something no parent should ever have to endure. This guide cannot take away your pain, but remember: help is available, and you do not have to walk this path alone.
Resources: National Parent of Murdered Children (pomc.org), The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org), Trauma Survivors Network (traumasurvivorsnetwork.org), and the hotlines 988 and 1-855-4VICTIM . (Additional reading: It’s OK That You’re Not OK , Beyond Tears )